Running With Scissors

Since Peas was irate from my lack of blogging...I thought I would update the blog at least once this month. Life has been good on Family Medicine. I get out at 5 on most days and there is even "Half-Day-Wednesdays" where I get to play golf in the afternoons. Basically, for the last two weeks I've been spoiled and I get to keep it up for the next four weeks.

Today we were extremely busy. Patients coming out our ears. I had a great patient. Vietnam Vet, funny, old, etc. You know they're cool (or weird) when they are joking around when you are about to give them a Rectal Exam (or as I told him, The One Finger Salute). I'm not sure if I offended him with that joke or not yet. Anyways, his face was covered in Seborrheic Keratosis as demonstrated by this old man's back below (thanks Mayo Clinic):



They were of varying sizes. Some were small and a couple of them looked like a ferret pooped on the man's face. In other words...they were huge. Apparently the protocol for these bad boys is you just cut them off with a pair of scissors and watch them bleed. Seems savage enough to me. So the doctor showed me once and then gave me the scissors and I went to town. I chopped off about 15 little terds off his face. I went through seven or eight 4x4 inch gauze pads just covered in blood. The patient joked he was going to need a transfusion at the end of the procedure. I was actually considering it as a real option. I wonder what was more terrifying for this poor guy, The Vietcong or Ah Jota weilding a Battle Ax. My gut tells me it was the latter.

I often wonder who in their right mind would let a third year medical student jam a pair of razor sharp scissors in their face and be totally cool with blood pouring down their cheeks. I guess there has to be a first time for everyone...but you can bet your rear-end no med student will ever be lunging at me wtih a sharp metal object. I'd make sure to impale them before they ever got to me. I can't wait till I get to surgery so I can do this stuff everyday.

More Than Meets The Eye...*

Last friday I finished six weeks of pediatrics. In all honesty, I had a lot of fun. The doctors were great, the residents were fun, and the kids were just hilarious. I think it's the only time I'll be able to get away with tickling a patient during a physical exam. Anywhere else I would have a sexual harassment suit slapped on me so fast my head would spin. But it wasn't all fun and games. Sometimes the rotation was BIG and it was UGLY...let me explain.

I was on call on a Saturday and I came stumbling into the wards right on time. While I was walking in I noticed an ambulance parked outside...curious. I went in and we were busy. Admits from the night before and two just arriving with me, one of which via the ambulance parked outside. There are only two residents who work the weekends, so obviously they were busy. I decided to help out I would admit one of the patients that just walked through the door. The residents were grateful for the help. But just as I was about to turn the corner, one of them grabbed me and told me the one thing that any medical student dreads..."The caretaker is a Transgender". I wasn't too sure what that word meant, but from his tone, I knew that I was going to have my hands full as I entered the patients room.

I shuffled into the room and next to our tiny little nursing tech stood a massive he/she. I walked up to take the history as I stood in his/her shadow that stretched across the room. I guess the thing that made this entire experience so difficult was I couldn't convince myself of this persons sex. It makes it hard when I'm not sure whether to address a person as "Sir" or "Ma'am". His giant stature, long hair, and 1970 verbage that he rambled off to me suggested this was just a large male hippy. However, the shaved legs and obtuse chest hinted at the opposite gender. It's been a long time since I have been that confused. It was kinda like watching the beginning of Transformers where the crappy little Camaro changed into an awesome fist throwin', butt-kickin', protector of the universe giant robot (Robit, if you are speaking the Queen's English). But instead of this beat up Camaro changing into something awesome, it turned into an Oldsmobile...or something of that nature.

Maybe the resident was wrong and was just equally as confused and just wanted me to be as lost as he was. Who knows. In the end it really doesn't matter. He/she was as helpful as he/she could have been. I was able to get a complete history with very little holes about a patient who threw food and elbows at the nurses and later in the week tried to escape from the hospital. I love it when cartoons and subsequent movies can teach you lessons about life. You can just hear the theme song now...

*This post was not meant to offend. I apologize ahead of time for any mental anguish my jabberings might have caused.

Tag Team

Well I know I've been in school for almost three weeks now and haven't mentioned a single thing about what my third year of medical school has been like. For those of you out of the loop, I started with Pediatrics. So far it has been awesome. I'm on outpatient so we've had SWEET 9-5 hours the entire time. It has been glorious. On top of that...the doctors are great. Just about all of them have a great sense of humor and love helping you out. The best part about it is they are fully aware that this is our first rotation so they cut us a lot of slack...sometimes a little too much (it makes me worry for when I hit my surgery rotation in a couple of months).

Anyways. I'm sure you're just dying for a fun anecdote from 3OPC (that's the outpatient clinic in case you thought I had joined a gang). Well sometimes when it's slow Beez and I team up and see a patient together to kill some time...a "Tag Team" if you will. Well today we had a pretty decent case. After we suited up...we came up with this....



Yes on clinic days we wear the same underwear. And since it was Thursday, we wore his colors. The kids really like it when we dress up. The doctors were reluctant when we came in all oiled up, but I think it's grown on them. But, back to the task at hand. This is how the kid presented:

Our 14 year old came in after he had been diagnosed with pink eye 5 days ago. He has been taking his antibiotics as scheduled and his eye is now worse. The discharge from his eye is clear and his sclera is "super-red" (more red than normal). Now he complains that it feels like something is in it, pain with movement, and photophobia. Well Beez and put together a great workup and we were pretty confident that it was a viral conjunctivitis and were ready to send him on his way.

Well the after we were pimped in the conference room, we had a little work to do. We went back in to see the patient and the doctor was convinced that this wasn't a virus. Now we concerned that this kid had Glaucoma, Corneal Abrasion, or Herpetic Keratitis (Yes I know this is a virus, but a little more serious than the one's we were thinking of). In a matter of five minutes we were on the phone with Opthamology trying to get this poor kid seen IMMEDIATELY!! Apparently he could be blind before the morning. So much for sending him home with a pat on the back and a note telling him to put a cold compress on it. Samsonite! We were way off!

Maybe our matching underwear was on too tight. Or maybe we still have a lot to learn (I like to think that it's the latter becuase I really like Killer Bee Thursday). But apparently the "practice" of medicine takes a lot of practice (that was clever!). I wish someone would have told me that this isn't as easy as watching an episode of Scrubs. I guess this Tag Team still has some kinks to work out before our Pay-Per-View special.

Aurora, Ohio?

Well I'm off to a wedding this weekend. Let me be the first to tell you my disappointment. When I first heard the name of the town it was going to be in, I was psyched. We were going to Aurora! The breeding ground of the 1992 smash hit comedy, Wayne's World! My heart was set on seeing all the sights from the movie and walking where the voice of Shrek walked. I was even ready to head to this restaurant to give this a try...

BUT...since I'm not very good with my abbreviations, OH apparently means Ohio...NOT Illinois. We're going to a completely different state! My hopes and dreams were crushed when I came to this realization. I was so frustrated I even looked up how many cities in America with this name there actually were...the answer is 8 if you're curious. FYI, it's also my grandma's name. But I had already ruled her out because I was pretty sure the wedding wasn't going to be at her house. To my knowledge, she wasn't even invited to this wedding...that could have been awkward.

Nonetheless, the only thing keeping hope alive is seeing my wife as a bridesmatron this weekend (did you know that's what they're called when they're married?). If you answered yes to this question...YOU'RE A LIAR! I can't wait to see her walk down the isle in a Pepto-Bismol Pink bridesmatron dress. Whatever stomach ache I still have from getting the state wrong is going to cured in an instant when I see that dress on Saturday. But, if that doesn't work...I'll still download Bohemian Rhapsody onto my iPod to help get me through the weekend...

Here I come Ohio!

Study Crazies

First, I apologize for the lack of effort on my blog...wait. No I don't. I'm stuck in the library for 14 hours a day. Cut me some slack...Hyena's. Being cooped up in a room with Beez that long can really do a number on a person's psyche. Unfortunately, that psyche is mine. I have just about reached the threshold for total brain capacity. I noticed that in order to make space for all this new information, a gynormous vien has grown on the side of my forehead. I named it Tommy after UofA Alumn Tom Tolbert:



My vein looks just like him. Trust Me. Where was I? Oh yes. The study crazies. From being cramped in a study room all day memorizing facts like Drucunculus gives you an inflammation and necrosis of your skin after drinking contaminated water really leaves me at a loss of entertainment. So I think my brain has started to compensate by throwing in random "hallucinations" during the day. For example, earlier today whilst studying a Care Bear drove by in his cloud car playing with a Yo-Yo and not wearing a seatbelt. Then a leprechaun wandered in and offered to play me in a game of Uno. I humbly denied. I was in the middle of studying Antibiotics. Then Beez farted. Wait, I didn't imagine that. It occurs roughly every 15 minutes on a daily basis.

Needless to say, the lack of sleep, toxic gas, useless facts have taken a toll on my grey matter. Time to recover. Leepy Leep time for Ah Jota. T-minus 12 days kiddies.

Here's Busey

If you have been a little out of the loop, I'll use this time to fill you in. This past week began the awful summer of Boards Study. In actuality it could be worse. So I'll hold my tongue about complaining...for now...

Anyways, most of the stuff I'm going over is material we have covered before. But every once in awhile little tid bits will pop up that you have never seen before. My favorite thus far came today. I was studying Neurology and found myself rolling on the floor in laughter after reading about " Kluver Bucy Syndrome ". The notes stated (and I quote) "The patient exhibits: Hypersexuality, Docility, Hyperorality". Hilarious!

But after I thought about it, I pondered that this definition was implying something more. And then it hit me. Kluver Bucy is just a play on words about Gary Busey! Somebody just described Gary Busey, made it a Syndrome and then gave it a name that sounded like his! Never in a million years would I have come up with something that witty. Kudos to whomever came up with this...My hat's off to you.

To prove my point. Here is a short clip from Entourage with Gary Busey the Artist. You can see his Hyper-oral tendencies come out in just a mere 20 seconds!

Out & In

Well last week marked a significant event in the history of our little town of Tucson. In-n-Out opened its doors for the first time to this lovely little city. It took me a little over a week, but I finally made it over there. It couldn't have come at better timing. I needed something to cheer me up after being dominated by a Medical Microbiology Final.

While standing in line we discussed the "Secret Menu" available to the public. Now I had heard of such menu but personally I had never ordered from it...maybe I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it. But Beez urged me to try "Animal Style" anyways. I oblidged and my, was I in for a treat. Somebody had actually found a way to make an In-N-Out hamburger more delicious. My tastebuds actually did an End-Zone dance, it was glorious. My ability to describe such a magnificent meal evades me. All I can say is you have to try one for yourself to know what my tongue is talking about.

Normally, my body has a ban on all fast food, but do to this wonderful new discovery...I might just have to partake like an animal every once in awhile. Looks like I'll have to buy some new pants to make room for my new hobby.