What's Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander

Well life took a sudden turn for the comedic today. After 6 weeks of wanting to pull my hair out from dealing with hormonal women all day long, I headed off to the Psych Ward at the city's old county hospital. It has a comfy 70 bed inpatient facility...compared to 7 beds over at the University (cough). I had mixed feelings for this rotation, I heard the hours were good but I was concerned the Crazies were gonna make me...well...crazy. This could still possibly happen but D-rock, Beez, and I all decided that at least we'll have great stories come the end of the next 6 weeks.

I was assigned my attending today. A fun british-accented bloake from Britland. He seems to have a great sense of humor (probably a trait I should polish dealing with my patients so I don't become one). We made our rounds on a couple of patients which proved comical. One patient had actually created a website about a made up corporation he belongs too (I'm not crazy and I can't pull something like that off).

We completed our rounds downstairs and headed to the 5th floor. As we entered into the East Wing a female walked by us and I felt something unexpected. No, it wasn't an overwhelming wave of emotions to help those mentally ill and in need. It was a hand. On my BUTT. Yes, my loyal friends I had been goosed! By a female patient! Within my first 2 hours of being on the unit! That has to be some sort of record. At that moment I didn't know what to do...or to say. I was speechless. We headed to the nurses desk to see if there were any open rooms. My attending and the head nurse went back and forth about an over the top female patient who had tried to escape the day prior. My attending began to fill me in on her story on how she had confessed to Campus Health that she had asked her college roommate to "blow her brains out" with a shotgun. She fled the scene and was chased across campus by the campus police. He then pointed out that we walked by said female on our way in.

As he mentioned this I sheepishly remarked "We've already been acquainted". He looked at me with a confused glare. "She goosed me on the way in", I told him.

"You mean, she grabbed your $%$?".

"Pretty much."

He laughed and we told the nurse of her shenanigans and we were on our way. We received a phone call about 5 minutes later from the nurse. The patient was now concerned that I might sue her. If my wife has her way...I might. I learned a lot today. Crazy people will do anything. Throw poop, bite the nurses, and of course touch your butt. Let this be a lesson to both you and me. We better be on our toes for the next 6 weeks.