What's Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander

Well life took a sudden turn for the comedic today. After 6 weeks of wanting to pull my hair out from dealing with hormonal women all day long, I headed off to the Psych Ward at the city's old county hospital. It has a comfy 70 bed inpatient facility...compared to 7 beds over at the University (cough). I had mixed feelings for this rotation, I heard the hours were good but I was concerned the Crazies were gonna make me...well...crazy. This could still possibly happen but D-rock, Beez, and I all decided that at least we'll have great stories come the end of the next 6 weeks.

I was assigned my attending today. A fun british-accented bloake from Britland. He seems to have a great sense of humor (probably a trait I should polish dealing with my patients so I don't become one). We made our rounds on a couple of patients which proved comical. One patient had actually created a website about a made up corporation he belongs too (I'm not crazy and I can't pull something like that off).

We completed our rounds downstairs and headed to the 5th floor. As we entered into the East Wing a female walked by us and I felt something unexpected. No, it wasn't an overwhelming wave of emotions to help those mentally ill and in need. It was a hand. On my BUTT. Yes, my loyal friends I had been goosed! By a female patient! Within my first 2 hours of being on the unit! That has to be some sort of record. At that moment I didn't know what to do...or to say. I was speechless. We headed to the nurses desk to see if there were any open rooms. My attending and the head nurse went back and forth about an over the top female patient who had tried to escape the day prior. My attending began to fill me in on her story on how she had confessed to Campus Health that she had asked her college roommate to "blow her brains out" with a shotgun. She fled the scene and was chased across campus by the campus police. He then pointed out that we walked by said female on our way in.

As he mentioned this I sheepishly remarked "We've already been acquainted". He looked at me with a confused glare. "She goosed me on the way in", I told him.

"You mean, she grabbed your $%$?".

"Pretty much."

He laughed and we told the nurse of her shenanigans and we were on our way. We received a phone call about 5 minutes later from the nurse. The patient was now concerned that I might sue her. If my wife has her way...I might. I learned a lot today. Crazy people will do anything. Throw poop, bite the nurses, and of course touch your butt. Let this be a lesson to both you and me. We better be on our toes for the next 6 weeks.

Labor & Delivery Shoutout

For the past six weeks I have been tortured on "Labor and Delivery". Part of my OB/GYN experience of medical school. I think it is an understatement when I say that I have seen better days. I'm not saying I haven't been learning. The crew of residents are really enthusiastic about teaching. But I guess the entire "Birthing Process" is much more graphic than I had imagined in my head. For months I had been arguing with The Hunny Bunny about delivering our own children. The past 3 weeks cured me of that desire. I can only watch a child's head being squeezed into oblivion and mom lose a half a liter of blood so many times. Trust me on this one.

But not all three weeks were a waste. We had a patient come onto our floor from Globe, AZ in labor. After a quick ultrasound we determined that the baby was "breech". In simple terms, the baby was upside down. Now once upon a time, delivering a breech baby vaginally was not recommended by a bunch of doctors much smarter than you. But after a few stiff drinks in 2006, they changed their mind. So for this brave lady, it was go time. To the OR we went. As the epidural went in, the room filled up like a Phoenix Suns home game. The contractions were coming and the fun ensued. Everyone assumed their positions. Bees and I both grabbed a leg to help her into the lithotomy position.

I want to mention at this time that I had front row seating to one of the coolest things I have ever seen. A bouncing baby boy entering the world Balls First. Words cannot express my jealousy. When the kid was halfway out, he had a drop in heart rate. An ultrasound machine slammed into my leg and 2 residents crammed my personal space. I was having trouble doing my only assigned job. Holding that right leg up. The ultrasound was reassuring and after a couple more pushes, a lot of screaming, and one giant terd from the baby...HE WAS OUT!!!

Dad was eccentric. He was jumping around giving high fives thanking everyone for their help. Mom was exhausted and with little strength she had she uttered the following:

Whoever was holding my right leg...You did a great job.

I'm not gonna lie. I felt special. It was one of the few moments of the past 3 weeks that a really truly enjoyed. At least I can go ahead and cross OB/GYN off my list as a possible career choice. Lets hope I can stave off insanity for the second half of this experience. I'll just have to pray that I rack up a couple more shout outs from my patients.

The Big Show

**I was browsing through my old archives from back in the day. This little ditty made me smile. Happy New Year boys and girls. More stories to come...


I can't believe the month of October is nearly over. On top of that. I can't believe I just finished 5 weeks of surgery. I have to admit it has been a blast. The hours are long, but bearable. I'm not a complete zombie as I was expecting. I've worked with some interesting characters and seen some amazing things.

The past 2 weeks I've been on the Surgical Oncology team. Our given team name is the "Eagle Team". "Look up and we will poop in your eyes!" You know the rotation is fun when you have your own team name. This week our intern has been gone so myself and the other medical student had to step up our games and pick up the slack. Looking back, I think we did pretty good. Good enough to get our picture taken as a matter of fact...let me explain.

We had a huge anticipated surgery on Monday. It was a big liver resection for a tumor of unknown origin. This bad boy was huge on the CT scan. Our whole team was excited to take it out. We hit the OR and it was intense. The head of the Surgery Dept. was on double red alert to come and help us take it out. Fortunately, I was available so his presence was unneccesary. It was such a huge occasion we called Medical Photography to come check this gumba out and document this monstrosity.



It was awesome. Not only did we get a great photo, but we documented my "New Hotness" in the operating room. Eat your heart out ladies...I'm Taken!



Let's hope I can knock the dust off and get back to business when OB/GYN starts up next week after this 3 week break of complete mindlessness.

Jailhouse Jock

Well after all of these weeks of not blogging...I'm still in the midst of Urology. I'm in private practice now. AKA, The Big League. It's all about service with a smile here. It seems patient care is much better in private practice. Doctors give out their personal cell phone numbers, return calls the same day, wear gloves during digital rectal exams, etc. Needless to say, it has been quite the experience.

Well today we had a bit of a lull (something I haven't experienced in awhile since these doctors avoid double and triple booking their clinic hours). We had a nice 30 minute break between patients since we were moving early this afternoon. While I was sitting around playing "Jawbreaker" on my phone, an old patient of...let's call him Dr. Alda dropped in. Why Dr. Alda you ask? It's because this doctor's voice reminds me of that dude from M*A*S*H*.



But I digress. This patient who has not been to the office in nearly 4 years lines up at the window and loudly embarks on the following disertation:

"Does the doctor have any appointments for this week. I leave on a long vacation with my wife on Monday and I was interested in getting a prescription for on of those PENAL INJECTIONS."

Needless to say I was in the back snickering. I couldn't believe this guy was going on about this with a full lobby of people behind him. Since no doctor in his or her right mind dishes out a prescription for a patient he hasn't seen in years, this guy was meeting some resistance from the nurse. The situation escalated. When a man wants a "Penal Injection" and doesn't get it...apparently they get angry.

I put my phone away and made my way to the front window. I looked the guy right in the eye and expressed that if he wanted a "Penal Injection" he would have to meet me at the local jail at which point I would be able to help him. However, if he wanted to recieve a "Penile Injection" he could have a seat and we would be with him shortly. At this point the patients face turned bright red and he turned to the nurse, quitely apologized, and timidly asked for directions to the prison.

**Ok the last paragraph didn't exactly transpire that way. But he did say PENAL, I did giggle, and he didn't get his injections. Looks like its going to a very uneventful trip for that poor bloake.

Quote of the Day

"I don't know whats wrong with that guy. I just stuck my finger in his butt and he's complaining that I want to put a camera in his penis!"

Oh, I missed the life of a Urologist. What makes this quote of the day funny is the resident who said it was completely serious. I'm off to 6 weeks of Urology. So far I'm getting more sleep than General Surgery which is always a sign of better things. Never fear readers, I'll keep the quotes coming!

DOA

Just finished my first night of Trauma Call. I stood on my feet for approxamately 22 hours straight. I got 45 minutes of sleep, worked a 28 hour shift, and I currently can't spell my own name.

Apparently AK-47's are the new rage in this lovely city. I walked right into a bloodbath at 0530 yesterday morning. Five gang bangers decided to have target practice on each other while being strung out on coke, weed, and Jim Beam. I enjoyed playing in your abdomen's fella's.

But it was all made worth it at 0330 this morning when drawing blood from a femoral artery of a male pt. Right before the needle went in we heard the following words:

PLEASE don't mess up my BIKINI LINE!!!

I had to leave the room I was laughing so hard. He had just dumped his boyfriend...who apparently didn't take it too well. You can do a lot of damage with an empty beer bottle, especially after it breaks.

People in this town are crazy. I need to go to bed before I end up like them.

Top Reasons Why I Will Miss Family Medicine

Well today was my last official day as a "Family Practitioner In Training". I have mixed feelings as we finished up today. There were somethings that I loved (see below) and some things that I just couldn't stand. All in all, if you twisted my arm hard enough I can't completely rule out Family Med because of the sweet lifestyle. I mean, when the Hunny Bunny and I start multiplying like actual rabbits and not just having cute nicknames...it would be nice to actually watch my Little Bunny Foo-Foos grow up. These are things you need to think about if your in my position. But, not to digress here are some of my highlights of Family Medicine:

Telling patients they don't need antibiotics. Just take a little Gatorade, some Ibuprofen, and call us if anything changes.

My Doctor telling me to grab some samples of Flonase for a patients BPH. When I corrected him, he replied "Tell the patient to stick it up his butt...at least he won't get nasal polyps."

Running With Scissors.

Half Day Wednesdays.

Sleep-In Thursdays.

Patients constantly asking me if I have graduated High School. WAIT. That was definitely not a positive.

Telling a Nurse that next week we would practice her "Shapes and Colors" since she seemed to have her numbers down.

BBQ at the Doctors house and pretending that I too was a Doctor.

Free Drug Rep Lunches every single day. I really noticed the difference in my bank account over the past 6 weeks.

Getting home at 5PM.

Studying was not necessary or even a distant thought in my mind for 6 weeks.

Seeing a urine specimin that looked like grapejuice.

Almost convincing a nurse to give that urine sample to D-Rock and telling him it was grapejuice.

Calling out Drug Reps when they made completely erroneous claims for a drug.

A doctor coveting my Ties.

Free drug samples.

Selling my free drug samples at the Swap Meet.

Meeting a mother of a girl I mistakingly dated in High School. AWKWARD.

Free Drug Rep Pens and Paper.

Looking really smart when the CNA's asked really simple questions like: "What does BPH stand for?"

Giving Rectal Exams....Psssssyyyycccc!!!

Having a 70 year old woman say to me, "If I was only 50 years younger again"

Being invited to the office Christmas Party in September

40 hour work week.


As you can see. The last 6 weeks had it's moments. But now, its time to get serious. I start Surgery in 3 days. Orientation starts at 6:30 in the morning. I'll be learning how to suture on a rat first thing in the morning. That sounds pretty cool if it wasn't so darn early in the morning. I miss Half Day Wednesdays already. Tear.