Jailhouse Jock

Well after all of these weeks of not blogging...I'm still in the midst of Urology. I'm in private practice now. AKA, The Big League. It's all about service with a smile here. It seems patient care is much better in private practice. Doctors give out their personal cell phone numbers, return calls the same day, wear gloves during digital rectal exams, etc. Needless to say, it has been quite the experience.

Well today we had a bit of a lull (something I haven't experienced in awhile since these doctors avoid double and triple booking their clinic hours). We had a nice 30 minute break between patients since we were moving early this afternoon. While I was sitting around playing "Jawbreaker" on my phone, an old patient of...let's call him Dr. Alda dropped in. Why Dr. Alda you ask? It's because this doctor's voice reminds me of that dude from M*A*S*H*.



But I digress. This patient who has not been to the office in nearly 4 years lines up at the window and loudly embarks on the following disertation:

"Does the doctor have any appointments for this week. I leave on a long vacation with my wife on Monday and I was interested in getting a prescription for on of those PENAL INJECTIONS."

Needless to say I was in the back snickering. I couldn't believe this guy was going on about this with a full lobby of people behind him. Since no doctor in his or her right mind dishes out a prescription for a patient he hasn't seen in years, this guy was meeting some resistance from the nurse. The situation escalated. When a man wants a "Penal Injection" and doesn't get it...apparently they get angry.

I put my phone away and made my way to the front window. I looked the guy right in the eye and expressed that if he wanted a "Penal Injection" he would have to meet me at the local jail at which point I would be able to help him. However, if he wanted to recieve a "Penile Injection" he could have a seat and we would be with him shortly. At this point the patients face turned bright red and he turned to the nurse, quitely apologized, and timidly asked for directions to the prison.

**Ok the last paragraph didn't exactly transpire that way. But he did say PENAL, I did giggle, and he didn't get his injections. Looks like its going to a very uneventful trip for that poor bloake.

Quote of the Day

"I don't know whats wrong with that guy. I just stuck my finger in his butt and he's complaining that I want to put a camera in his penis!"

Oh, I missed the life of a Urologist. What makes this quote of the day funny is the resident who said it was completely serious. I'm off to 6 weeks of Urology. So far I'm getting more sleep than General Surgery which is always a sign of better things. Never fear readers, I'll keep the quotes coming!

DOA

Just finished my first night of Trauma Call. I stood on my feet for approxamately 22 hours straight. I got 45 minutes of sleep, worked a 28 hour shift, and I currently can't spell my own name.

Apparently AK-47's are the new rage in this lovely city. I walked right into a bloodbath at 0530 yesterday morning. Five gang bangers decided to have target practice on each other while being strung out on coke, weed, and Jim Beam. I enjoyed playing in your abdomen's fella's.

But it was all made worth it at 0330 this morning when drawing blood from a femoral artery of a male pt. Right before the needle went in we heard the following words:

PLEASE don't mess up my BIKINI LINE!!!

I had to leave the room I was laughing so hard. He had just dumped his boyfriend...who apparently didn't take it too well. You can do a lot of damage with an empty beer bottle, especially after it breaks.

People in this town are crazy. I need to go to bed before I end up like them.

Top Reasons Why I Will Miss Family Medicine

Well today was my last official day as a "Family Practitioner In Training". I have mixed feelings as we finished up today. There were somethings that I loved (see below) and some things that I just couldn't stand. All in all, if you twisted my arm hard enough I can't completely rule out Family Med because of the sweet lifestyle. I mean, when the Hunny Bunny and I start multiplying like actual rabbits and not just having cute nicknames...it would be nice to actually watch my Little Bunny Foo-Foos grow up. These are things you need to think about if your in my position. But, not to digress here are some of my highlights of Family Medicine:

Telling patients they don't need antibiotics. Just take a little Gatorade, some Ibuprofen, and call us if anything changes.

My Doctor telling me to grab some samples of Flonase for a patients BPH. When I corrected him, he replied "Tell the patient to stick it up his butt...at least he won't get nasal polyps."

Running With Scissors.

Half Day Wednesdays.

Sleep-In Thursdays.

Patients constantly asking me if I have graduated High School. WAIT. That was definitely not a positive.

Telling a Nurse that next week we would practice her "Shapes and Colors" since she seemed to have her numbers down.

BBQ at the Doctors house and pretending that I too was a Doctor.

Free Drug Rep Lunches every single day. I really noticed the difference in my bank account over the past 6 weeks.

Getting home at 5PM.

Studying was not necessary or even a distant thought in my mind for 6 weeks.

Seeing a urine specimin that looked like grapejuice.

Almost convincing a nurse to give that urine sample to D-Rock and telling him it was grapejuice.

Calling out Drug Reps when they made completely erroneous claims for a drug.

A doctor coveting my Ties.

Free drug samples.

Selling my free drug samples at the Swap Meet.

Meeting a mother of a girl I mistakingly dated in High School. AWKWARD.

Free Drug Rep Pens and Paper.

Looking really smart when the CNA's asked really simple questions like: "What does BPH stand for?"

Giving Rectal Exams....Psssssyyyycccc!!!

Having a 70 year old woman say to me, "If I was only 50 years younger again"

Being invited to the office Christmas Party in September

40 hour work week.


As you can see. The last 6 weeks had it's moments. But now, its time to get serious. I start Surgery in 3 days. Orientation starts at 6:30 in the morning. I'll be learning how to suture on a rat first thing in the morning. That sounds pretty cool if it wasn't so darn early in the morning. I miss Half Day Wednesdays already. Tear.

Running With Scissors

Since Peas was irate from my lack of blogging...I thought I would update the blog at least once this month. Life has been good on Family Medicine. I get out at 5 on most days and there is even "Half-Day-Wednesdays" where I get to play golf in the afternoons. Basically, for the last two weeks I've been spoiled and I get to keep it up for the next four weeks.

Today we were extremely busy. Patients coming out our ears. I had a great patient. Vietnam Vet, funny, old, etc. You know they're cool (or weird) when they are joking around when you are about to give them a Rectal Exam (or as I told him, The One Finger Salute). I'm not sure if I offended him with that joke or not yet. Anyways, his face was covered in Seborrheic Keratosis as demonstrated by this old man's back below (thanks Mayo Clinic):



They were of varying sizes. Some were small and a couple of them looked like a ferret pooped on the man's face. In other words...they were huge. Apparently the protocol for these bad boys is you just cut them off with a pair of scissors and watch them bleed. Seems savage enough to me. So the doctor showed me once and then gave me the scissors and I went to town. I chopped off about 15 little terds off his face. I went through seven or eight 4x4 inch gauze pads just covered in blood. The patient joked he was going to need a transfusion at the end of the procedure. I was actually considering it as a real option. I wonder what was more terrifying for this poor guy, The Vietcong or Ah Jota weilding a Battle Ax. My gut tells me it was the latter.

I often wonder who in their right mind would let a third year medical student jam a pair of razor sharp scissors in their face and be totally cool with blood pouring down their cheeks. I guess there has to be a first time for everyone...but you can bet your rear-end no med student will ever be lunging at me wtih a sharp metal object. I'd make sure to impale them before they ever got to me. I can't wait till I get to surgery so I can do this stuff everyday.

More Than Meets The Eye...*

Last friday I finished six weeks of pediatrics. In all honesty, I had a lot of fun. The doctors were great, the residents were fun, and the kids were just hilarious. I think it's the only time I'll be able to get away with tickling a patient during a physical exam. Anywhere else I would have a sexual harassment suit slapped on me so fast my head would spin. But it wasn't all fun and games. Sometimes the rotation was BIG and it was UGLY...let me explain.

I was on call on a Saturday and I came stumbling into the wards right on time. While I was walking in I noticed an ambulance parked outside...curious. I went in and we were busy. Admits from the night before and two just arriving with me, one of which via the ambulance parked outside. There are only two residents who work the weekends, so obviously they were busy. I decided to help out I would admit one of the patients that just walked through the door. The residents were grateful for the help. But just as I was about to turn the corner, one of them grabbed me and told me the one thing that any medical student dreads..."The caretaker is a Transgender". I wasn't too sure what that word meant, but from his tone, I knew that I was going to have my hands full as I entered the patients room.

I shuffled into the room and next to our tiny little nursing tech stood a massive he/she. I walked up to take the history as I stood in his/her shadow that stretched across the room. I guess the thing that made this entire experience so difficult was I couldn't convince myself of this persons sex. It makes it hard when I'm not sure whether to address a person as "Sir" or "Ma'am". His giant stature, long hair, and 1970 verbage that he rambled off to me suggested this was just a large male hippy. However, the shaved legs and obtuse chest hinted at the opposite gender. It's been a long time since I have been that confused. It was kinda like watching the beginning of Transformers where the crappy little Camaro changed into an awesome fist throwin', butt-kickin', protector of the universe giant robot (Robit, if you are speaking the Queen's English). But instead of this beat up Camaro changing into something awesome, it turned into an Oldsmobile...or something of that nature.

Maybe the resident was wrong and was just equally as confused and just wanted me to be as lost as he was. Who knows. In the end it really doesn't matter. He/she was as helpful as he/she could have been. I was able to get a complete history with very little holes about a patient who threw food and elbows at the nurses and later in the week tried to escape from the hospital. I love it when cartoons and subsequent movies can teach you lessons about life. You can just hear the theme song now...

*This post was not meant to offend. I apologize ahead of time for any mental anguish my jabberings might have caused.

Tag Team

Well I know I've been in school for almost three weeks now and haven't mentioned a single thing about what my third year of medical school has been like. For those of you out of the loop, I started with Pediatrics. So far it has been awesome. I'm on outpatient so we've had SWEET 9-5 hours the entire time. It has been glorious. On top of that...the doctors are great. Just about all of them have a great sense of humor and love helping you out. The best part about it is they are fully aware that this is our first rotation so they cut us a lot of slack...sometimes a little too much (it makes me worry for when I hit my surgery rotation in a couple of months).

Anyways. I'm sure you're just dying for a fun anecdote from 3OPC (that's the outpatient clinic in case you thought I had joined a gang). Well sometimes when it's slow Beez and I team up and see a patient together to kill some time...a "Tag Team" if you will. Well today we had a pretty decent case. After we suited up...we came up with this....



Yes on clinic days we wear the same underwear. And since it was Thursday, we wore his colors. The kids really like it when we dress up. The doctors were reluctant when we came in all oiled up, but I think it's grown on them. But, back to the task at hand. This is how the kid presented:

Our 14 year old came in after he had been diagnosed with pink eye 5 days ago. He has been taking his antibiotics as scheduled and his eye is now worse. The discharge from his eye is clear and his sclera is "super-red" (more red than normal). Now he complains that it feels like something is in it, pain with movement, and photophobia. Well Beez and put together a great workup and we were pretty confident that it was a viral conjunctivitis and were ready to send him on his way.

Well the after we were pimped in the conference room, we had a little work to do. We went back in to see the patient and the doctor was convinced that this wasn't a virus. Now we concerned that this kid had Glaucoma, Corneal Abrasion, or Herpetic Keratitis (Yes I know this is a virus, but a little more serious than the one's we were thinking of). In a matter of five minutes we were on the phone with Opthamology trying to get this poor kid seen IMMEDIATELY!! Apparently he could be blind before the morning. So much for sending him home with a pat on the back and a note telling him to put a cold compress on it. Samsonite! We were way off!

Maybe our matching underwear was on too tight. Or maybe we still have a lot to learn (I like to think that it's the latter becuase I really like Killer Bee Thursday). But apparently the "practice" of medicine takes a lot of practice (that was clever!). I wish someone would have told me that this isn't as easy as watching an episode of Scrubs. I guess this Tag Team still has some kinks to work out before our Pay-Per-View special.

Aurora, Ohio?

Well I'm off to a wedding this weekend. Let me be the first to tell you my disappointment. When I first heard the name of the town it was going to be in, I was psyched. We were going to Aurora! The breeding ground of the 1992 smash hit comedy, Wayne's World! My heart was set on seeing all the sights from the movie and walking where the voice of Shrek walked. I was even ready to head to this restaurant to give this a try...

BUT...since I'm not very good with my abbreviations, OH apparently means Ohio...NOT Illinois. We're going to a completely different state! My hopes and dreams were crushed when I came to this realization. I was so frustrated I even looked up how many cities in America with this name there actually were...the answer is 8 if you're curious. FYI, it's also my grandma's name. But I had already ruled her out because I was pretty sure the wedding wasn't going to be at her house. To my knowledge, she wasn't even invited to this wedding...that could have been awkward.

Nonetheless, the only thing keeping hope alive is seeing my wife as a bridesmatron this weekend (did you know that's what they're called when they're married?). If you answered yes to this question...YOU'RE A LIAR! I can't wait to see her walk down the isle in a Pepto-Bismol Pink bridesmatron dress. Whatever stomach ache I still have from getting the state wrong is going to cured in an instant when I see that dress on Saturday. But, if that doesn't work...I'll still download Bohemian Rhapsody onto my iPod to help get me through the weekend...

Here I come Ohio!

Study Crazies

First, I apologize for the lack of effort on my blog...wait. No I don't. I'm stuck in the library for 14 hours a day. Cut me some slack...Hyena's. Being cooped up in a room with Beez that long can really do a number on a person's psyche. Unfortunately, that psyche is mine. I have just about reached the threshold for total brain capacity. I noticed that in order to make space for all this new information, a gynormous vien has grown on the side of my forehead. I named it Tommy after UofA Alumn Tom Tolbert:



My vein looks just like him. Trust Me. Where was I? Oh yes. The study crazies. From being cramped in a study room all day memorizing facts like Drucunculus gives you an inflammation and necrosis of your skin after drinking contaminated water really leaves me at a loss of entertainment. So I think my brain has started to compensate by throwing in random "hallucinations" during the day. For example, earlier today whilst studying a Care Bear drove by in his cloud car playing with a Yo-Yo and not wearing a seatbelt. Then a leprechaun wandered in and offered to play me in a game of Uno. I humbly denied. I was in the middle of studying Antibiotics. Then Beez farted. Wait, I didn't imagine that. It occurs roughly every 15 minutes on a daily basis.

Needless to say, the lack of sleep, toxic gas, useless facts have taken a toll on my grey matter. Time to recover. Leepy Leep time for Ah Jota. T-minus 12 days kiddies.

Here's Busey

If you have been a little out of the loop, I'll use this time to fill you in. This past week began the awful summer of Boards Study. In actuality it could be worse. So I'll hold my tongue about complaining...for now...

Anyways, most of the stuff I'm going over is material we have covered before. But every once in awhile little tid bits will pop up that you have never seen before. My favorite thus far came today. I was studying Neurology and found myself rolling on the floor in laughter after reading about " Kluver Bucy Syndrome ". The notes stated (and I quote) "The patient exhibits: Hypersexuality, Docility, Hyperorality". Hilarious!

But after I thought about it, I pondered that this definition was implying something more. And then it hit me. Kluver Bucy is just a play on words about Gary Busey! Somebody just described Gary Busey, made it a Syndrome and then gave it a name that sounded like his! Never in a million years would I have come up with something that witty. Kudos to whomever came up with this...My hat's off to you.

To prove my point. Here is a short clip from Entourage with Gary Busey the Artist. You can see his Hyper-oral tendencies come out in just a mere 20 seconds!

Out & In

Well last week marked a significant event in the history of our little town of Tucson. In-n-Out opened its doors for the first time to this lovely little city. It took me a little over a week, but I finally made it over there. It couldn't have come at better timing. I needed something to cheer me up after being dominated by a Medical Microbiology Final.

While standing in line we discussed the "Secret Menu" available to the public. Now I had heard of such menu but personally I had never ordered from it...maybe I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it. But Beez urged me to try "Animal Style" anyways. I oblidged and my, was I in for a treat. Somebody had actually found a way to make an In-N-Out hamburger more delicious. My tastebuds actually did an End-Zone dance, it was glorious. My ability to describe such a magnificent meal evades me. All I can say is you have to try one for yourself to know what my tongue is talking about.

Normally, my body has a ban on all fast food, but do to this wonderful new discovery...I might just have to partake like an animal every once in awhile. Looks like I'll have to buy some new pants to make room for my new hobby.

Library Man's Lyrics

Earlier this weekend I had my Ipod on "Shuffle Mode" and this song came up. It's from Metallica's Reload album and it's called Low Man's Lyrics. It's an oldie but a goodie as we used to say as children. The lyrics were just depressing and inspirational enough for me to make it my Official Theme Song while studying for my Medical Microbiology Final.


The trash fire is warm
But nowhere safe from the storm
And I can't bear to see
What I've let me be
So wicked and worn

So as I write to you
Of what is done and to do
Maybe you'll understand
And you won't cry for this man
'Cause low man is due

Please forgive me

My eyes seek reality
My fingers feel for faith
Touch clean with a dirty hand
I touch the clean to the waste

After I thought about it for awhile I realized that it didn't quite fit me. So I decided to make my own version. It goes a little like this...


The Library is warm
But not from my Thyroid Storm
And I can't bear to see
What Beez has for Me
While I Study On The 3rd Floor

So as I write to you
Of what I Still Have To Do
Maybe you'll understand
And you won't laugh at this Mexitalimer
'Cause Ah Jota is due

Please Excuse Me....

My mind seeks what is itchy
My fingers scratch my A-noose
Touch my Mouth with a dirty hand
Enterobius on my Scotch-Tape

Happy Birthday...To Me!!

I celebrated twenty-four years on planet Earth this week. My favorite thing about birthdays is PRESENTS!!! I received the funniest present thus far in the mail today. It looks a little like this...



If you don't get it...You need to start watching Arrested Development. I'll give you a little background. Tobias is an Analyst and Therapist...an Analrapist. But remember, "It's not the spelling you should be worried about".

The Simple Life

With sadness in my heart, I have to report that today was my last day following Dr. C. It was tough...I'll admit that. Every patient I saw, I had to choke back the tears (OK, not quite). But, I definitely didn't hold back any laughter. I probably erupted one too many times after Dr. C's jokes in front of a patient. The first when he referred to the Cystoscope as the TV and invited a patient's son to come watch TV with us (while we looked for cancer in his father's bladder...it was funny to me!). The second happened to be when a patient mentioned that intercourse had become "better" (less painful) since the last visit. Then mentioned her husband had been away for eight weeks on business. I'm sure you're already laughing so I'll just leave that one alone for now. And for the record...you people have dirty minds.

Anywho, it being my last day and all I felt obligated to buy Dr. C a gift. It's the least I could do since he put up with my shenanigans for entire school year and never even complained. My friends can't even make it an entire day without complaining. I need new friends...tear.

Huh...Ok back on topic. What did I buy him you ask? Well to buy something for a "Doctor", one must think like a "Doctor"... and that's exactly what I did. I made a trip to Borders and purchased two books. Both being a series of books based on the TV Show, Hannah Montana. Now I know what you're thinking...and you're wrong. It was for his two daughters. The show (yes Billy Ray Cyrus is her father) is their favorite in the entire world. So Ah Jota comes through in down the stretch with 2 books that they didn't have yet...BOOOYAAAH. To add to my brown-nosing, I purchased a bottle of kosher wine for him and his wife. What took me back (and simultaneously points to Dr. C's awesomeness) was he didn't even care about the wine. He was fascinated by the books. That's all he talked about as I took my final stroll down the hallway.

I love it when people enjoy the simple things in life. Something I should do a little more often. But at least this little adventure proved 2 things. 1) I'm good a buying presents and 2) I'm extremely good at sucking up. There...that was simple.

Random Motion

Since the Hunny Bunny refers to me as being one of the most random people in the world, I thought what happened this morning was pretty apropos. I had to drag myself out of bed early this morning to take the "Mock Boards". It was no fun at all since I stayed up too late last night watching Blood Diamond (A great flick if you haven't seen it. I liken it to a cross between Hotel Rwanda and Apocalypto). Anyways, after nearly falling asleep a good five times during the exam, I stumbled into the library after I picked up some coffee. Bees just happened to be checking the Intraweb for the Suns score and what time Tiger teed off today (If you were not aware that it is Masters Week...consider yourself on double-secret probation).

Where was I?? That's right. We were standing at the computer talking about what to do with the rest of the day and one of the Librarians approached us. She kinda reminds me of the Lunch Lady from Billy Madison (Mmmmm...Sloppy Joe's). She remarked to us, "Nice day today, you boys going to be playing golf this afternoon?" Strange I know, but all doctors I know play golf so I guess I can understand the stereotype. But she started giving us the 3rd degree on what type of golf balls we liked and which ones she thought were the best...then she invited us into her office. You know my parents taught me when awkward strangers invite you to go places and tell you they will give you something in return, you probably shouldn't listen and follow them around like a lost puppy. It's too bad I'm not a very good listener and curious like a cat (Hence my nickname, "Whiskers"). I guess I couldn't help myself. Librarians always seem so trustworthy and nice. Well as we entered her office we were immediately surrounded by golf balls. It was unbelievable. She lives on a golf course and just scavenges for these things every night. She was even anal enough to separate them out by brand, each brand had its own enormous busket. After Bees and I pulled ourselves together the librarian pulled out a couple of egg containers and filled up one for each of us and sent us on our way.

I doesn't get more random than that. Though I was confused, I sure was happy I walked away with a baker's dozen of slighly used Nike golf balls. Maybe my parents were wrong about strangers this whole time. I wonder how many other free gifts I've been missing out on all my life...

Aren't Angels Great?

You know, I'm not one to judge. I don't mind hearing people out when they tell me about their "Beliefs". Even though I'm a little set in my ways, I enjoy learning something new every once in awhile. But sometimes it fascinates me what people have been taught over the years. At this point in my life I feel that I've heard my share of crazy ideas about how we got here, where we're going, and how did they get that delicious white paste inside of the Twinkie. But today in clinic, I heard a new little ditty I thought I would pass on to you. It goes a little like this:

Before we're born Angels come to visit us in the womb and teach us EVERYTHING we ever need to know. All the important stuff about how to act, pray, make good decisions, etc. But when we're born, obviously we don't appear to have all this information available (I mean babies can't even make it to the bathroom or say their own name...slackers). Sooo, something has to happen. Something magical. Well after we've been taught all we need to know, those ingenious Angels devised a method to cloud these memories allowing us when we're older to have those "Ah Ha" moments (or as the lay people like to say, an "Epiphany"). So, right before we're born those angels nestle up nice and close to us and SLAP US ACROSS THE FACE and then touch our upper lip leaving us with what we now know as a philtrum.

Hmmmm. You know. Once it's down on paper, it doesn't sound so far-fetched. Why don't you go ahead and disregard what I said to start. I think all of us can learn a little something from this. Angels are Awesome! I can't wait to meet one again. I just hope their not as violent in person.

My Tuition Money at Work

You know, I pay quite a bit of money to go to medical school. The statistics I've heard is the average medical student is $100,000 in debt when they finish medical school. Craziness if you ask me. I've been trying to avoid that by living off a steady diet of government cheese. Probably one of the reasons I was pushing maximum density a couple of months ago. But sometimes I wonder if my money is being put to good use...

Let's explore this thought:

1) Pathology lab is taught in fancy new rooms with 10 plasma flat screens (1 TV per table). Considering this past week our professor admired my drawing of a cat while we were supposed to be looking at a slide of bacterial meningitis...I'm gonna go ahead and say that maybe 10 screens per room was a little overboard.

2) Frat Boy Invasion. Everytime I venture to the library to study, I'm stuck listening to some fratboy answer his cell phone. I could probably handle that every once in awhile if they weren't on the phone with their rich daddies and mommies convincing them they need to be wired a few more thousand of their inheritance so they can help pay for a kegger for their upcoming "Enchantment Under The Sea Party".

3) Last but not least. I was told in clinic today to watch Grey's Anatomy tonight (even though I was planning on watching it anyways). But that order was followed up by the statement, "Be prepared to be Pimped on it next week".

Now that I think about it, maybe I should have tried to get a few more scholarships for this endeavor. The thought of wasting someone else's money would make me a little less apprehensive when I point out example's such as these. But, I guess I can't complain too much. I was just planning on defaulting on my loans until I kick the bucket, then someone else gets stuck paying them back. Don't you wish you thought of that first?

A Lot Like Christmas

In case you live on another planet and are reading this blog. The NCAA Tourney starts today. There is basketball on non-stop until the end of the weekend. It's one of the most glorious times of the year. I actually woke up crying (tears of joy). If you need me, I'll be on the couch...

Samson and the Barber

Well on friday, the unthinkable to many happened. Not the fact that I passed all my exams (darn you if you thought that), but I made a trip to the barber shop. As I wove in and out of traffic, the mere thought of a haircut left me with that "funny feeling" you get in your stomach when your nervous. My hair had now become a glorious mane and my beard was now as noticeable as ever. I felt as if I could "wrastle" a lion, or better yet... a shirtless Montgomery all hopped up on caffeine, nicotine, slippy-flippy's, jelly stingers, trick sticks, bing bangs and flying willards (can you imagine?).

But as I sat down in the barber's chair with a tear in my eye, I uttered the un-utterable: "Let's take it down". As soon as I spoke what will live on as some of my most infamous words, I felt the life just leave me. My energy was zapped, my spunk exhausted, and my enthusiasm...extinguished. You know, it actually hurt when the scissors met my hair. Like it had become a part of me. My hair had symbolized Ah Jota manifested in wavy, black glory.

When I stood up from the chair I hardly recognized the person in the mirror. Though he was just as handsome as Ah Jota, he seemed to be roughly 5lbs the lighter (I later learned that was the amount of hair that was cut off). I missed of course my hair being blown in the summer breeze as well as it safely resting on the back of my neck as I walked towards my car. I feeling that won't be around for some time now.

But as the weekend passed, my new "Do" grew on me. The Hunny Bunny liked it as well as many of my friends, even though many were surprised to see that I parted with my locks. But then my view changed. Monday I ventured into the gym for a quick workout. Nothing to strenuous since I was still recovering from Midterms. But as I grabbed the weights off the rack, there was something different. Something....was....HEAVIER!! Never would I have thought that with my glorious hair my strength would leave me too! Weights I used to laugh at now took all my effort to lug around. It was horrendous. I remembered the story of Samson that I had been taught as a child. And though he was decieved by a woman, I was decieved by my own deludedness. Though I hope we don't suffer a similar fate (read the story) I know at least for now, my strength has left me. Montgomery comatose from Forget Me Now's would be a struggle for me to subdue.

But I have hope in better things. Daily workouts will get me back to my previous strength and the thought that my hair grows like crabgrass in the South Carolina summer cheers my soul. However, it wasn't all in vain...at least I'm cool while I kick back and enjoy my spring break. Remember, it takes very little strength to surf the internet and watch TV all day.

Hey Blinkin'

With Midterms now in full force, I'll take a few minutes to share some of my thoughts with you. Midterms, of course can only mean one thing. No not the fact that I'm Cranky Ah Jota, or that I haven't slept in two weeks, or even that I waited in the lobby of the Emergency Room last night for 3 hours only to be told be 3 different physcians that it is "unethical" to equip me with a "caffeine-IV" to help get me through the next week. Though all those things are true, there is only one thing that truly captures the essence of Exam Time. That single thing is of course....FACIAL HAIR.

I'm sure you can remember what happened in September when I wandered the halls of the medical school posing as Adam Morrison. As glorious as that was, this set of exams needed a little bit of flavor. It needed something different, something spectacular, something that would turn heads, and of course make the Hunny Bunny cringe at the very site of me first thing in the morning.

Well yesterday it all came to fruition. I calmly etched a masterpiece onto my golden-brown complextion like a janitor resurfacing the ice with a Zamboni at a Tampa Bay Lightening game. As I stood peering into the mirror of our bathroom, I noticed the likeness to a very special person in our nation's history:



No it wasn't Blinkin'...I looked like Abe Lincoln!! Now I don't exactly look just like him. Obviously his beard his a little thicker, he's a little older and had a mild case of Marfan's Syndrome. But if Abe Lincoln stood here today minus a genetic defect and had just a touch of Mexitaliamerican to him...you would be staring at Ah Jota's doppleganger. Intriguing I know.

So with Midterms just a few days away, I can sleep calmly at night knowing that if exams don't go my way and this whole medical school thing doesn't "work out"...I'll always have a shot at The Presidency, abolishing slavery (again), or even getting my bearded face onto a piece of currency. Ahh, it never hurts to dream...

Cranky and Hungry (No More)

Since all of you are still subject to Cranky Ah Jota, I thought I would complain just a little more this week. Last weekend after I returned home from church I noticed water all over the refrigerator when I grabbed a soda. When I investigated further I discovered that it had blown a fuse and no "refrigeration" had been taking place for a number of hours.

EVERY SINGLE ITEM in the freezer had been de-thawed by this point. Needless to say I was not a happy camper. All the food had to destroyed except for two items. I saved my skim milk which had now become cheese. I used it to dip my wheat thins in later that night during one of my study breaks. It was delicious!! Secondly, since I needed to cook dinner that night...I salvaged the thawed ham from the freezer. Being new to cooking an entire slab of ham, I pulled up a cooking show off the internet with some delicious cooking tips. In case you're wondering what to cook tonight or looking for a nice "study break" snack...maybe you should treat yourself to a nice bowl of Hot Ham Water. It's rather simple. All you need is 1) A Pot 2) A Ham 3) Some Water. Bring the water to a boil, toss in your ham and you have a mouthwatering concoction sure to leave your tastebuds screaming for more! Just watch and learn!

Stop Wasting My Time

Well it's that wonderful time of year again...Midterms. A time where caffeine flows like wine, moustaches grow like weeds, and the refreshing daily shower is...well they're not quite daily anymore. Yeah, you guys no the drill. Ah Jota goes MIA for a number of weeks while he is replaced by "Cranky Ah Jota". Food doesn't taste as good but late night farting seems to even more hilarious than normal to this late-night imposter.

Anywho, some things just get under my skin. Especially things that are a complete waste of time. For instance. As I was studying my notes for Microbiology the other day, I came across this little ditty:

"Mycobacterium leperae is an acid-fast bacillus that cannot be grown in artificial media or tissue culture...it can only grow in the footpads of mice and armadillos."

ARMADILLOS?!?! Who cares?? When I'm studying until one in the morning about the effects of Leprosy, all I care about is making sure that I don't contract it (granted it did work out OK for Naaman). Why must you waste my time with information that is only useful while engaged in a game of Trivial Pursuit?

As you can tell I'm just cranky. Pending I don't contract Leprosy from class, one of the bums in the library, or an armadillo, I'll be back soon...

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day to my minions. Personally I think I'm spending this Valentines Day in The Twilight Zone. First off, I slept through my alarm this morning. Wait. Thats nothing out of the ordinary. Let me start over...

First off, I spent the entire morning of classes learning about the vagina and disorders therein. I'm not sure if there is anything more disturbing than covering that subject matter on The Day of Cupids Birth. To make it even worse...those disorders were latter passed around in pathology lab....Gross.

After Micro Lab I ventured home and made a quick stop to buy the Hunny Bunny some roses. Nothing extravagant but I felt it was my duty. I'm normally not a "flower person" but since it has been such a long time (our wedding day) since I had sent flowers, I felt I was due. Well I got home and started trimming the roses and put them in vase. They looked beautiful. They were the same roses the Hunny Bunny had on our wedding day. But something was wrong. I could just sense it...Then I noticed it. ELEVEN ROSES!!!! What kind of flapdoodle is that? I paid for TWELVE roses and was totally gypped. If I had the time or the energy I would totally go back and complain. Oh well, I'll just hope the Hunny Bunny doesn't notice...or read this blog.

So as you can see, you and I are not in the same dimension right now. Wherever I am, I want to get back to reality. I hope it happens soon since we have reservations at a fancy Tucson restaurant tonight, named after the optimal temperature at which I store my wine. With that said, it's time to get dressed...

An Afternoon of Insolence

I walked into clinic today and much to my surprise...no patients. I failed to realize that this Thrusday was "Surgery Day". Dr. C told me to come down to the OR and suit up. I happily ablidged. I spent the afternoon with Taj, one of the residents. He's a quiet guy but is really good about keeping me in the loop and doesn't mind me hanging around. Everything was going great until after we finished the first case...

Taj and I walked over to the recovery room and we were joined by my other "favorite" resident, Vladimir. As Taj charted he tried to spark some conversation with ol' Vladdy and it went a little like this:

Taj : Hey Vlad you remember Ah Jota right?
Vlad : Nope.
Ah Jota : Ummm, we've met before.
Vlad : You must not have done anything extrordinary for me to remember you by.
Ah Jota : EAT MY FARTS!!!!**

Who says that? I spent an entire afternoon with that punk and he has no recollection whatsoever of me. On top of that he tries to belittle me with his arrogance. If anyone is going to belittle anybody, it's going to be me! To add to the fire...this is what he said when we got back to the OR:

Vlad : Hey Ah Jota, why don't you run over there and get me that clip. And while you're at it...tuck your shirt in so you don't look like one of the nurse's.

Can you believe that! I couldn't begin to comprehend the egotism that just oozed from this guy. It was awful. It put a damper on my entire afternoon. I was worried that I too could succomb to being a punk like Vlad. But then I realized...I have glorious hair. No cheap immitations here. And this glorious hair keeps me far away from any conceitedness that could creep into my life. If you don't believe me...just ask the Hunny Bunny.

I guess next time I"m just have to be a little more "memorable" for our little Vladdy Boy. Maybe next time I'll put on a little song and dance for him, shine his shoes, or maybe even smile at him. And if all of that doesn't work, I may just have to pin him down and make him eat one of my farts. I'm glad I have all of you readers (and my hair) to help keep me humble. Becuase the last thing I ever want four years from now is for some handsome medical student to threaten me with his flatulence.


**Alright, I didn't say it...but I was thinking it!

Down With The Sickness?

Last week I came down with some strange mystery illness. It was so bad I had to make a trip to the local clinic and get a rapid strep test. The test was negative so I was denied antiobiotics (insert bitterness here). The doctor kicked me to the curb and I was unfortunately left to my own devices...so I overdosed on Wal-borne and Wal-profen (the knockoff versions of Airborne and Ibuprofen) and eventually got over it sometime last week.

Well, I thought I was in the clear until the Hunny Bunny came down with the same thing. She's been home all day playing with the dogs (let me express my jealousy here) and coughing up all kinds of fun stuff (just like I did last week!). It hasn't been pleasant, but she's a trooper. Anywho, it got me thinking about something and magically I stumbled upon my favorite comic strip from my undergrad years. I think it fits fantastically as we sort out who's coughing up what in this household...

Poppycock

Recently I've been thinking a lot about my future. Not by choice, as many of you know I hardly think at all. But this time it's being forced upon me. We have to "choose" our schedules for our 3rd year of medical school by the end of this week. People keep telling us it really doesn't matter, but when you get down to the nitty-gritty...it really does.

Currently my leaning toward a specialty is Urology. I think if your an up-to-date reader of this blog you understand why. Since Urology is a "subspecialty" of surgery I have been advised NOT to rotate through surgery first next year. See, the key during your rotations is to basically show up and brown-nose for a number of weeks at a time. The more you brown-nose, the better grade you will recieve and so on and so forth. Apparently medicine is just one large butt-kissing totem pole. And at this time, I'm at the very bottom. Therefore, to get to the top of the totem pole, you want to perfect these so called "butt-kissing" skills before you show up in the rotation you might want to go into.

BUT, thereinlies the problem. Nobody is 100% sure of what they want to go into right now, at best it's just a "guestimation". I have some other areas I still want to check out, like the emergency room and anesthesiology to name a couple. Both of which ARE NOT on our schedule to rotate in next year.

So I meandered into the office today to try to get some light shed on this subject. Apparently in order to rotate through the ER, you have to be a fourth year. This poses a problem since by this time you are already scheduling away rotations at other hosipitals and setting up interviews for the "specialty" you want to go into. To add to the fire, when I asked about anesthesiology (also a surgery subspecialty) they allegedly DO NOT allow people to do two of these rotations in one year. So again, I would have to wait until fourth year to try this out as well.

If you ask me, this is a bunch of shennanigans. I mean C'mon. Everyone tells us to pick a field that we enjoy and love doing everyday because we'll have to do it the rest of our lives, then they go and tie our hands behind our backs and keep us away from all the cool rotations until it's too late to matter. I can just see the adminstration slapping high-fives anytime some punk 2nd year like me comes in and asks the same questions. They probably even bust out their little flasks of Brandy and toast each other knowing that they just created another disgruntled medical student who is stuck doing family practice.

Well I'm on to their tomfoolery. And rest assured that I'll beat the system. Ah Jota always finds a means to scam his way into something and out of family clinic. I just have get all the whining and complaining out of me first.....ahhhhh that's better.

It Was Sublime

Tonight I embarked to make myself a late evening snack of the most delicious soup in the world...Top Ramen. It looked like an ordinary package, but as I was taught growing up, you can never judge a book by it's cover. I opened this beautiful little bag of crispy noodles and to my glory 2 PACKAGES OF BEEF FLAVORING FELL OUT!!! It was a divine experience. I'm a little winded from dancing around the house in glee. Well, enough procrastinating. It's time to enjoy this wonderful treat and bask in all the pulchritude of this momentus occasion...Time to enjoy double the flavor of beefy little noodles made with love.

Finally In The Driver's Seat***

Well yesterday marked the beginning of my second semester of "preceptorshiphood", or whatever you want to call it. It was exciting. It was good to be back in the clinic. The smell of stagnant urine, antibacterial hand sanitizer, and chocolate brought back so many fond memories. Not only did the nurses remember who I was, but they loved my newfound glorious hair. I will remark that none of them were permitted to touch it, that priveledge is reserved for a select number of "special people" in my life.

The clinic was hopping. Patients were late for their appoinments, Dr. C was making runs to the OR, it was madness. I was even left unsupervised for a remarkable amount of time, which is never a good thing. I actually have a little disclaimer written on my shirt tags specifying not only the shirt's washing instructions, but also scenarios in which I am to be monitered at all times. Surprisingly enough, The Clinic is ONE of those places where I am not to be left "alone". So while Dr. C was gone, I saw patients, advised them on which surgeries to undergo, and passed out samples of Cialis*. It was almost as glorious as my hair!!

Shortly after I was reprimanded for my actions, we went back to work. Seeing patients with the intent NOT to do any harm. And then it came...My "right of passage". We were about to examine a new patient and I was offered the drivers seat. Yes, the coveted stool so I could nestle up close to the patient and do the exam myself. What was I about to investigate you ask, well I was looking for the elusive cystocele. With speculum in hand I assumed the position:



Ok, so it didn't quite look like this. I am much handsomer** than this guy. My skin is a golden brown, my hair is beautiful, and the lights were on in the room so a headlight was not necessary. Seriously, is this guy looking to excavate a coal mine???

Anyways, it was my first female exam on a real patient. It was a great experience. I knew what I was looking for, found it, touched it, and gave my patient a celebratory high five all in one quick flawless motion. Dr. C later remarked to me that I was moving up in the world. It was the "New Year" so I have more priveldges than before. Apparently that means I'm allowed to talk to and touch patients now. I have to say, I'm a big fan of my new responsibilities. They're way better than having to clean bedpans and fetching coffee for the residents.

With all that said, it was a good day. I learned a lot and proved that I'm handy with a speculum...if only that were "socially acceptable" outside of a hospital setting. I can't wait till next week. Maybe I'll get to prescribe meds...stay tuned.



*I'm embellishing a bit. Because it was brought to my attention that Cialis does not pass out samples since their stock has plummeted in recent months.

**If this isn't a word...it is now!

***This post is not for those with weak stomachs, under the age of 22, have symptoms of dizziness, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, anemia, throbocytopenia, or allergies to sulfa drugs or cats. The Hunny Bunny holds the right to remove said article from the World Wide Web if the content offends any of the above persons. Proceed at your own risk.

Maximum Density

Well it has been an eye-opening week. School started, the dryer broke, and the scale told the truth. Yeah, you heard me. I tested the waters in the bathroom on Sunday night and I was disgusted at what I saw. After the Hunny Bunny denied that I had gained any weight, I waltzed right into the bathroom and left in shock. I was ashamed. I crawled back into bed with my tail between my legs to report the depressing news to my wife. TEN POUNDS!! In one semester I've managed to pull this magnificent feat off. And this weight is definitely NOT muscle.

I have to admit I knew it was true before the scale. I noticed over the past couple of months that it takes a little more "work" to wiggle into dress pants. I'm careful about the way I manuver in them so the structural integrity of the seam isn't tested too often. Belts are merely an accesory for some of my jeans, they're not needed to hold anything up...My fat butt takes care of that these days. I guess I just didn't want to admit it until Sunday night. I tried to avoid the inevitable by justifying these phenomena. I would tell myself that my clothes have been shrinking in the wash or that I was taller (since that translates into tighter fitting clothing). I was making excuse after excuse until that number flashed on the screen of our fancy digital scale (thanks Beez). It became real at that instant...I had reached the point of maximum density.

So what am I doing to fix this. I had a salad for lunch today. On top of that, The Hunny Bunny and I have made it to the gym the last two nights and put in a couple of miles on the treadmill. I've also tried burning calories by screaming at pedestrians as they walk past my house. That didn't work all that well since I would spend the following hour cowering in the corner hoping that the police had not been phoned.

Well it is the New Year so I'm pretty sure we all have our resolutions. You can probably guess that mine is to get as far away from maximum density as possible. I hope all of you stay away from it too, because we all know they don't make dress pants like they used to.

Merry New Year

Well it has been such a busy couple of weeks I don't even know where to begin. I've been on my lustrious winter-break, and so far it's been rather busy. Christmas this year was celebrated on both sides of the country by The Hunny Bunny and I. First we hung out in Globe, AZ with my family for a "Mexican Christmas". It was great. All 7 of my grandma's kids, 11 grandkids, and who knows how many great grandkids and significant others crammed into her house for a couple of days of Christmas glee. After a gift exchange I sat down and consumed a few tamales which was like opening my own little presents for a half an hour.

Christmas day we got our stuff together and drove to the airport and jumped ship to sunny Florida, "The place where your underwear sticks to your butt". It was great. We landed and got to open even more gifts. We made out like bandits. After a busy week of Churchin', sight seein', and sleepin' we were exhausted. We rang in the new year only to wake up 3 hours later to head back to the airport and fly home.

Yesterday we were zombies. We didn't speak much, it was more of a gurgle when either one of us tried to open our mouths and talk. I surprisingly made it through the drive back to Tucson from Phoenix and watched the entire first half of the Rose Bowl. The Hunny Bunny had to tell me who won since I didn't survive the halftime show.

All-in-all it was a great year. I tied the knot in marriage, traveled halfway around the world, moved into our own little townhouse, it was great. I have more than enough to be thankful since none of this I deserve. 2006 was amazing, now let's wait and see how 2007 treats us. Until then, its time to enjoy the rest of my week off...